This Is Not A Shindig!
by Strudel Ninja
Summary: Oneshot. Party at Neji's! Everyone in Konoha attends to the social gathering, but what happens when the Host doesn't want them there? You can be sure that Lee will still bring his staple gun—and that dumb confetti. Minicrack. [Neji's Birthday Bash]


A/N: I intend on making this story start from nowhere, as in, _it has no beginning._ I like it better that way.

There's a few references to certain things in this world I find funny. See if you can identify what they are.

Anyways, read on, and don't say I didn't warn you; There will be mashed potatoes in this story. And it's not AU, since ninjas can throw parties _and_ attend book clubs. But it's immensely OOC. Sai's a flirt, Kankuro's a womanizer, and Lee's a staple-gun extraordinaire.

**I don't own Naruto.**

_ **This Is Not A Shindig!**_

* * *

_The party's almost here! Ooh, I'm so excited!_

**Ding-Dong!**

The doorbell's shrill cry rang like a giant gong throughout the house, and Neji stumbled and fell onto the floor in shock. He had forgotten just how loud that thing was.

He sighed, hurriedly taming up the last room of the manor, trying to make it presentable.

The doorbell rang again, and this time, Neji went to answer it.

He opened the door, and shockingly-bright blond hair came into view.

"Hiya, Neji!" He grinned widely, and Neji couldn't help but smile a little too.

"Hi, Naruto…" He caught sight of dark hair, and an even darker expression, behind the blond boy. He frowned.

"Uchiha," He said. Sasuke stared ahead apathetically.

"Hyuga. As much as I despise being here, _they _dragged me with," he explained, pointing to the large crowd of people who were trying to get through the door as well.

Neji rolled his eyes. He knew that he was expecting many guests, but not _that much!!  
_

"Fine, come in, but don't break any—"

A loud crash echoed through the overly clean house, and Neji massaged his temples.

_Naruto...!_

Sasuke shrugged, entering the threshold as well, and made his way through the maze of hallways to find his curious friend.

The white-eyed boy looked back outside on his front porch, and saw a hyped-up Tenten making her way (or swaying her way) to the front door.

"Tenten… how much caffeine have you had to drink today?" He asked calmly. She giggled, slapping her hand on his shoulder.

"None, Neji-boo! Wow, what a great party!" She staggered into the house, barely able to keep a straight face and refrain from giggling like mad. Caffeine tended to make her disillusioned.

He shook his head, but was then bowled over by Kiba and Akamaru.

"Gahoo! Free food!" He shouted, and his dog barked in appreciation. They ran to the kitchen, where the others were milling about.

Neji decided to stop it right there, before it got any worse. He said to bring a small group for a get-together, not a drunken fest of idiots!

But the crowd had other plans. Lee bounded in, shouting profanities of "youth" and "confetti". Oh, dear Kami-sama, don't let him bring confetti!

Hinata shyly stepped up to Neji, who had long since forgiven her. That was 5 years ago, no need to keep grudges.

"Neji-niisan…" She stuttered, and Neji hurriedly pushed her inside to avoid having to start an already awkward conversation. She politely thanked him, seeking out Naruto or Kiba in the crowd.

Shino followed. Neji didn't say anything.

Temari, Gaara, and Kankuro sidled in, and Neji found himself wondering just how the heck they even _knew _about this party.

Gaara's teal eyes looked at Neji's white ones for a few moments, and then he turned away and kept walking. Temari stayed silent too, but grinned at his confused expression.

Kankuro whispered as he passed, "Awesome crib, man. This is gonna be sweet! Chicks for everybody!" He smirked proudly, and strutted to the refreshments. The Hyuga pretended he didn't know that he was expected to pick up 'chicks'. Couldn't the puppet boy just call them girls, like a normal person?

Shikamaru and Choji walked by on the street, scratching their heads at the large crowd. Someone called them over, and with Shikamaru's shrug as an agreement, they came to the party too. Neji groaned. _Man, now Chubby's gonna eat all the food! I worked hard to persuade Hiashi to buy that stuff... darn it.  
_

Next came Ino and Sakura, who were giggling, and Sai too, who sauntered up to the Hyuga. He gave him a cheeky grin.

"Hey, white-eyes. Have you seen dickless anywhere? I need to ask him something," the raven-haired boy asked haughtily, a delicate hand perched on his hip. Neji pointed to the mass of people behind him in the house, and Sai breezed past, moving his hips in a way guys shouldn't. Neji could still not get over that mid-drift.

He noticed that Ino and Sakura were still standing there, and were sneaking glances at Neji, still giggling behind their hands. _Jeez..._

He sniffed, "What?" and they pointed to the front of the house before entering the mansion.

He rushed outside, scanning the front for anything out of the—

"Oh, for the love of—" A large sign plastered to the front of the house read, '_Party at Neji's! Ye-uh!_' and had brightly colored streamers and confetti hanging about it. Lee was so going to die.

The other party-goers took that chance to filter into the house without question, and by the time Neji realized that the sign wasn't coming down (since Lee had apparently mastered the heavy-duty staple gun), no one was left outside.

Loud music was blaring in the vicinity, and he ground together his back teeth painfully.

He stalked over to the door, and attempted to open it.

It was locked.

Needless to say, Neji was furious. He dove under the welcome mat, searching for the spare key. Oh, yeah, but he doesn't _have _a spare key, since he _never _loses _anything. _Chances are, he's not going to get locked out of his house. But today, he did.

He pounded his fists against the door, screaming and hollering like a banshee. The elderly neighbor lady looked at him scornfully. He attempted to reason with her.

"Uh, sorry about the noise, Mrs. Mikomu, you see, I got locked out—" A tremendously large scream was heard in the house, and the old woman quickly waddled into her own house, locking the door behind her. Soon, her lacy curtains were swept shut too. _Great, now the neighbor lady thinks I'm nutso. _

He crept around the side of the house, ducking when a Coke bottle was thrown out the window just above his head, and safely made it to the back door. Luckily, it was unlocked.

Once inside, he surveyed the area. A few party-goers were playing tag in the large living room, and a couple was making out in the spare bedroom. Neji quickly disposed of them.

After cleaning out the rest of the back house, he made his way to the center of everything; the main house. There was barely enough room to walk, let alone talk, so he started swiping back everyone's cups and snacks that he could reach. This was out of control!

"Hey, man, some party, huh?" droned a middle-aged Chunin to his friend. They looked half-buzzed, so Neji threatened to Juken them if they didn't get out soon. They left.

He found the remote to the stereo (Naruto and Lee were playing Monkey-in-the-Middle with it, except, there was no monkey), and clicked it off. A strange silence filled the air, and everyone turned to look at the enraged inhabitant.

"I said, 'SMALL party'. _Not _a raving SHINDIG!" Neji roared. Naruto gulped. His eyes popped out when he was mad. The veins were already scary enough, but...

"Yeah, well, you said I should tell people, and I _did _tell people. You just didn't specify how many…" the blond trailed off, flushing when he realized just how many people came.

Sasuke smacked him, just for good measure.

"Yeah, Neji-san," piped up Sakura from the back. "Don't you want more people to come? That way, the party is more exciting!" He glared at her, and she shrank back into the crowd.

A loud crunching noise came from the food table, and everyone turned to see Choji filling himself full of cake.

"...Wha?" He asked intelligently, a chunk of icing falling from his open mouth.

"Look, I don't even know why you would _think _I would want a huge party! It's a book club, for Pete's sake!" Neji exclaimed, ignoring the way Choji went back to eating.

**"Huh?"**

"A book club? But… we thought you were throwing a party for your _birthday_!" someone shouted.

People looked back and forth between eachother, and Neji mentally slapped his forehead.

"Didn't you guys know that my birthday isn't until the 3rd of July!?"

**"NO!"**

"Well, who told you it was today?" He was beginning to feel a headache from all the stress.

Many hands pointed to Naruto, who chuckled nervously.

Sasuke smacked him again.

Neji nodded his gratitude (which Sasuke ignored), before sighing. "I wanted a party so I could invite you guys to my book club, and I couldn't find an opening to tell you. So, this was meant to be a small meeting," he waved at the small poster near the dining table which indicated the group's book.

Of course, it was hard to see, because the whole wall had a layer of mashed potatoes sticking to it. (Tenten thought it a good idea to try her hand at the sport of Spud Splatter.)

A collective 'Oh' was heard throughout the house.

"Well, I'm out!" Kiba shouted.

"Arf Arf!" said Akamaru. The two of them made their way to the door, and soon the rest followed.

Neji was still slightly disappointed. No one was interested in the 'Diary of —

"Choji, stop eating my food!" The large boy smiled guiltily, and snagged a few more strudel pastries before making his way out the door too.

Now that the house was empty, he collapsed into a chair.

"Well, that was disastrous," he said to himself. Now he had a huge mess of empty cups and plates, streamers, confetti (darn you, Lee!), food in places it should not be in, damaged antiques, and a vandalized home.

"Hey, what's that…" he saw a pair of vivid green brief underwear lying on the floor, and he carefully picked it up with metal tongs. There was a note attached to the waistband.

'_I liked your boxers better, so here are mine. What a lucky trade!_ –_Lee_'

He dropped them in disgust, but wasn't altogether disturbed. At least he knew now that Lee didn't go commando…

Not that he ever thought about that.

He heard a person enter the back door, and he thought back to the _hooligans_ that thought dumping out _every _single shampoo and soap bottle onto the _floor_ and turning it into a _slip n' slide_ would be a _wise idea,_ so he prepared himself with a spoonful of mashed potatoes in defense. He edged closer to the door, hearing shuffling footsteps. He smirked, since he knew how to strike quickly.

"So, how long until you can overthrow Hin—AHH!" The scream was muffled by the mashed potatoes. Neji gathered his bearings, and realized he just glooped his uncle. His very mean, very strict uncle. Hiashi...

His cousin Hanabi looked on in amusement as her dad pried the gunk off his face, and calmly spit out the potatoes in his mouth. He glared at Neji, before realizing that the wall he was standing by had graffiti all over it, and someone had wrote, '_Shikamaru'__s my PIMP'_ in big red letters. Permanent marker. That's not coming off.

"Neji!" his uncle roared. He could normally handle his criticism, his rejection, his superiority complex, and the whole 'I can kill you' thing. But this took an unexpected turn.

"Yes, uncle?" Hanabi slunk past them, pinching Neji in the rear. He made a mental note to own her later at training class.

"Go get a bucket and scrub brush, and start cleaning. I want this house spic n' span, you _hear_ me, boy?" Neji nodded, running off to find the cleaning supplies.

"EW! NEJI, GET THIS DISGUSTING THING AWAY FROM ME!!" But he could enjoy just a little pleasure from Hanabi discovering Lee's undergarments. She had it coming.

* * *

**_Fin_**

A/N: Sai is teh smex. Gosh, I just love that boy. And no, he's not supposed to be gay, but... I like making him effeminate. 'Tis fun!

In case you're confused as to how I rate my stories on randomness, I separate it into one of three categories: **Random crack, Minicrack, **or **No crack at all. **The latter being a completely "normal" fic.

Neji is love, so write a review. (But you don't have to. It's just to make me feel better—just like turning this story into a fanfic was intended to.)


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